The Missing P Epidemic
by Ms. Issues
Summary: Because if you're going to prank call Batman while he's on JL monitor duty, you have to bring your "A" game and a story so CRAZY that it's believable. Rated M for precaution. Nothing sexy is going on, the word p***s just gets repeated A LOT.
1. Prologue

**The Missing Penis Epidemic Summary**: Because if your going to prank Batman while he's on JL monitor duty, you have to bring your A game and a story so CRAZY that it's believable. Three part fic. Rated T. Nothing sexy is going on, the word penis just gets repeated A LOT.

A/N: Got the idea during my Lunch Break. Inspired by the song "Detachable Penis" by King Missile. Go check it out...super funny song

**I do not own Young Justice or anything in the DC universe…just a huge fan.**

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Prologue

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Roy sat at his kitchen table in his apartment. He glared at his computer screen, specifically at an email from the Justice League he had received yesterday, for what seemed like the hundredth time. It had a short passage listing grievances and then at the bottom in bold is stated:

**Non Justice League members are not allowed access to League resources.**

As if he did not _know_ that. Of course, there was more to that rule. The actual rule was:

**Non Justice League members are not allowed access to League resources** unless the circumstances called for it.

It was a clause which was only to allow access in the direst of circumstances. So naturally, most members of the League abused it. There was always some hero friend, some ally, who just _needed _Justice League access (temporally granted of course). The League just had too many awesome gadgets, amongst other things, for someone not to at least try to use League resources.

It was also a rule Roy Harper, formerly known as Speedy and now known as Red Arrow, never thought would actually be enforced on him.

He was just a _tad_ bit spoiled in that way. Roy was no longer Green Arrow's side kick, but he used the archer's arsenal all the time. He was not part of the Justice League, but he used the zeta beams and databases all the time. He was not part of the Young Justice, but he raided their fridge all the time.

And then yesterday, Batman said that the League had decided that he could no longer do any of that anymore unless he joined Young Justice (and only then would he be considered for the Justice League). Roy had not thought the threat real until he had tried to use the zeta beams this morning and was denied.

He was Roy Harper damn it! No one told him what to do. Well. . . Batman could, but he was the god damn Batman after all. So _sure_,he would join YJ if he _had _to, but that did not mean he was going to do it in a completely compliant manner.

He had thought all morning and afternoon on how he could retaliate against Batman without getting caught. The solution was easy. It would have to be some sort of prank. And as Luck would have it, most of the League was off-world or busy with other crises and so Batman was on Monitor Duty.

If there was one thing the Dark Night hated doing for the Justice League, which was no secret to _anyone_, it was monitor duty.

The man abso-fucking-lutley _hated_ monitor duty.

And Roy was going to prank call the Watch Tower with something so epic, Batman would _have_ to respond.

Now, if you are going to prank call the Watch Tower, you are going to need a crazy scenario. If you are going to have a crazy scenario, you have to make it believable. If you have to make it believable, you are going to need to hijack federal agent IDs, create fake news feeds and fake redacted files amongst other things. If you are going to present fake Intel, you are going to need a hacker. If you need a hacker and are facing the greatest detective, you are going to need to know EXACTLY how the man thinks; you are going to need Richard Grayson.

Dick smiled as he plopped down on the hard wood chair opposite of Roy and Wally, his laptop sitting innocently in front of him. "So, let's do this. What's the scenario?

"Penises are going missing state wide," said Roy not looking up from his laptop as he exited out of his email.

Dick blinked. "What?"

"Penises are going missing state wide." Roy looked at the Boy Wonder.

Dick opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. After a few seconds he closed it again. His confused blue eyes slowly went from one red head to the other and then back again. "I don't-" Dick let out a frustrated sound "-what . . . _what_ is going on again?"

Roy rolled his eyes. "Let me break it down for you: penises. . . are . . . going . . . missing."

Wally nodded excitedly when Dick looked at him for confirmation.

Dick's eyes widened as he realized he really had not misheard. "How in the world did you come up with that? It's not going to work!"

Roy shrugged. "It's crazy enough that it _will _work." He sat up and walked to the fridge. "If I want to get through to Batman, I have to get passed the operator."

Dick's slowly tapped the table with his right forefinger, his eyes becoming slightly unfocused as he tried to figure out how 'penises going missing' could actually be taken serious by a JL operator. In addition to keeping tabs on world events via news feeds, the Watch Tower had a call center, similar to 911, located in its fake DC office. The number was only available to Federal Agencies and various top clearance individuals worldwide who were under the UN charter. There was no way the highly trained employees of the JL call center would consider bothering any of the League members, _especially_ Batman, with something which could so obviously be interpreted as a prank call.

Wally threw a balled up napkin at the boy wonder which Robin ducked. "Dude, don't think too hard about it! It _will_ work." He grinned. "Dicks going missing is not a laughing matter, Dick."

Dick rolled his eyes.

"AND even if it does sound implausible, would it be something you would want to disregard completely if presented with enough evidence to point to the contrary?" Wally leaned back into his chair. "Who would want to be the person who gets blamed for not helping prevent a statewide missing penis epidemic or, as I have named it, the _Absens_ _Mentula_ epidemic."

Roy, who was leaning up against the fridge, pulled the soda bottle he was currently drinking away from his lips. "I'm _not_ calling it that and since it's my prank-"

"But I'm the scientist here! I get to name it."

Roy glared at the speedster.

Wally pouted, looking into his lap. "I'm still gonna call it that," he mumbled.

Dick looked at Roy. It was so crazy that it might really work. "If you want enough evidence to make this sound believable, I'm going to need a case of Mountain Dew, pizza, Doritos, and a DVD of _Firefly_."

Roy raised an eyebrow.

"I like to have nom-noms and watch the Telly when I'm hacking."

Wally jumped up, throwing a victorious fist into the air. "Let the _Absens Mentula _Epidemic begin!"

Roy's eyes narrowed. "We're not calling it that!"

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Thanks for reading. Please Review.

*Absens Mentula-'Missing Penis" in Latin taken from the more profane vocabulary of the Classical Era.

A/N: For those who get my alerts and or wondering where the next chapter of _Awfully Complicated_ is . . . it will most likely be updated in the beginning of next week as will this story.


	2. JL Operators

**Thanks for reading! **

**I do not own Young Justice or anything in the DC universe…just a huge fan.**

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Sometime later . . .

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Dick sat on a worn out couch in the living room, his laptop on the hand-me-down coffee table in front of him. Roy's apartment was definitely nothing like the Manor. He looked up at Roy, who was standing, and pointed to his computer screen. "If anyone asks, you will be agent Faraday."

Roy nodded as he peered at the screen, taking in the details of identity he was borrowing. "And the real Faraday?

"Deep undercover somewhere in Columbia. No radio contact," explained Dick. "I've hijacked the IMEI of a Fed cell, so the call should look like it's coming from a legit source. I've masked the GPS." Dick picked up a cell phone and clipped a small device on the bottom. "This will change your voice to sound like Faraday's."

Roy took the phone from Dick.

Wally frowned, turning slighting on the couch to better see both this friends. "Isn't it risky using Faraday? Batman's met Faraday, right?"

"Which is—if the call _actually _gets transferred to him—why it will sound legit. I've typed up a cheat sheet of stuff Batman would bring up to check to see if you are the real Faraday." Dick hit the _ctrl _and '' key, blowing up the screen so that Roy could see better. "If all else fails, just start ranting about how Amanda Waller's gone crazy. Bats is not too fond of her."

Dick took two head sets and handed one to Wally. "This is so that we can hear the conversation. We don't want to risk putting the call on speaker."

Wally grinned as he took the headset and slipped it on.

Roy looked at the phone. The moment had come. The time to back down would be now. He knew that what he was about to do was immature and would most likely get him into trouble. He also knew that if everything went right, it would become a legend. He eyes fell on the two younger heroes, who looked up at him expectantly. He grinned. "Let's do this." He put the phone to his ear.

Dick put on his headset as hit a key on his keyboard activating the call.

The phone began to ring. It was time for Roy to put on his best acting skills. He rolled his shoulders in anticipation.

"Justice League. Please state the emergency and location," said a pleasant female voice.

"I don't know where I am!"

"That's all right. We will still be able to locate you."

Robin shook his head smiling. "No she won't."

"What is the emergency?"

"I woke up with a bad hangover and my penis is missing."

"_Excuse me_?"

"I woke up with a really bad hangover . . . and my penis was missing!"

Wally snickered and Roy waved him to stop. Dick looked on, amused.

"It is a criminal offense to prank ca—"

"_Woman_, this is a _federal _line," said Roy with all the authority he could muster. "Do you _think _it's a prank? Do you _think_ federal agents just go around _wasting_ tax payer money, making prank calls about their penises?"

Dick's eyes watered as he bit his lip to stop himself from laughing.

"_If_ your penis is missing, you need to call the local authorities. You should know that the Justice League does not work cases like-"

"Good grief woman! Do you think _I'm_ the only one? It's going to be an epidemic!"

"Sir-"

"A missing penis epidemic!"

"Sir, I will transfer you to 911-"

"No!" Roy shouted so loud Wally and Dick jumped in surprise. He thought quickly on what he could say to stop from being transferred. "It's too late for me now, but I have to warn someone." He ran a hand through his head, getting back into character. "The rest of the agency is covering it up. It's been happening for _months_. I _knew_." Roy let out a heavy sigh. "I knew about the unethical lab testing and I looked the other way." He sighed again. "And now . . ."

The operator did not speak. Dick watched Roy in awe, impressed at the red head's acting.

"This is just the tip of the iceberg. I was targeted, because I knew _too_ much about the testing. I do not know why _they_ did not kill me. I suppose _they_ thought I would not call for help. After all," said Roy in a defeated tone, "what kind of man wants to admit their penis disappeared?"

Wally snickered.

"Are you bleeding? Or you in pain?"

Roy was relieved to hear the concern tone in the Operators Voice. He was finally being taken seriously.

"No, it is just . . . gone."

Dick giggled.

"Or you in imminent danger?"

"Not that I am aware."

"All right, can you please hold?"

Roy, Wally and Dick simultaneously smiled. They had done it.

Roy was expecting to hear silence on the other end as he was put on hold, but instead he heard background noise. Their operator had failed to put the call on hold. She was talking to another female operator.

"_I need a supervisor over here._"

"_She stepped out_,"said a female in a thick northern accent._ "Why?_"

"_There is an agent on line 26 he says . . . he says his penis went missing._"

"_It's a prank cawl hang up._"

"_He says it not just him . . . that there is epidemic."_

There was a sound of footsteps approaching. "_His penis fell off?_" An alarmed male voice spoke up. "_Like,__** actually **__fell off._"

"_No, he said he just woke up and it was gone._"

"_Someone must have stolen_ _it_,_"_ said a chipper female voice.

"_Who steals penises?_" the male asked.

"_It has to be a prank cawl_."

"_But it's coming from a federal cell. He says the agency is covering it up._"

"_Which agency?_"the chipper female operator asked_._

"_I didn't even ask_._ He shocked me right off my script_."

"_Who cares what agency!_"the male voice was frantic. "_Penises are falling off! We don't have time for jurisdiction battles._"

"_Calm down! It is probably a prank call._"

"_What if it is not?_"

"_Is the plural of penis, penes or penises?_" interrupted the chipper operator. "_I need to know for the report._"

"_What is wrong with you all? Just because you guys have va-jay-jays does not mean this is not an emergency! What happens if my penis falls off? Or Superman's?"_

"_He might nawt have a penis_."

"_He is a damn American Icon. __**Of course**__ he has a penis!_"

"_Well he __**is**__ an alien,_"said the chipper female. "_You don't know . . . his parts might be weird. Reproduction might be different. He might have come from an egg._"

"_Janet, you are sooo stupid. How did you even get this job?_"

"_Don't call me stupid!_"

"_Your not stupid sweetie_"said their operator in a soothing voice. "_You're just as smart as everyone else here._"

"_What are you waiting for Cheryl," _said the male,"_call Batman._"

"_No! You cawl Batman."_

_"You're the only one who has authorization to call the monitor room when a Supervisors out of the room_!"

"_Well . . . I'm nawt cawling him about a missing penis. I still think it's a prank cawl. Its Michele's cawl, she should cawl Batman._"

"_I don't know if Batman's going to want to be bothered with this . . ._"

"_What? You don't think the man would want to know if there was a possibility that his penis might go missing! Trust me, no man wants to wake up with his penis missing!"_

Roy thought he was going to burst from holding in all his laughter. He honestly did not care anymore if his call got transferred to Batman, the JL operators had made the call worth it.

"Hello, Sir are you still there?"

"Yes."

"Please state your name and affiliation."

"Agent Faraday, CBI and Interpol," responded Roy immediately.

"How many people would you say could be affected? Is this an isolated incident."

"Thousands. Right now it is isolated to . . . I can't tell you where it is, it's classified. I need to speak to Batman. "

"Please hold."

The phone went dead. The three friends looked at each other. Had the JL operator accidentally hung up?

"Who is this?" a gruff voice spoke.

Richard smiled brightly.

"Who's this?" Roy said into the phone, although he knew exactly who he was speaking to.

"Batman."


	3. Earlier that day

Thanks for reviewing! Some of you actually guessed right what Batman would do. I won't say who though.

I know I said it would be 3 chapters, but it's four.

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A couple hours earlier . . .

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Batman sat in the Cafeteria in the Watchtower looking at his cell phone in his hand as he waited for Mrs. Gordon to text him back. "Red Arrow is planning something."

The Flash looked up from his milk shake."What?"

"Red Arrow is planning something."

The Flash rolled his eyes. Batman was so paranoid. "You cut the kid from using the zeta beams. So what? He's agreed to join the team. It worked. It's over with. Why do you think he's up to something?"

"It is Roy," said Batman looking away from his phone to look at the Flash.

"And . . .?"

"_It's Roy_. He _is_ going to retaliate."

"He's a mature 18."

"A hot headed, mature 18," retorted Batman. "Besides, he agreed to joining Young Justice too quickly."

"Which _shows_ that he understands the gravity of the situation." Flash took another sip of his milkshake. "He understands that the League will no longer tolerate his flippant behavior."

Batman gave Flash a look. That was total BS and they both knew it.

Flash put one hand up defensively. "Hey, G.A isn't here to defend the kid. I'm stepping in."

Batman shifted in his chair and gave Flash a leveled look. "So you are saying that after months of him ranting about how none of us respect the younger heroes, after months of him constantly reaffirming that for him it was the League or nothing, he simply agrees to join the team because I cut him off from the Zeta Beams." Batman raised in eyebrow. "He stays mostly in Star City any way. I honestly did not think the threat would work."

"I see your point." Flash frowned. "I think G.A might have talked to him though."

"Because, that has worked _amazingly_ well in the past. Those two are like peanut butter and jelly, they are _inseparable_."

The Flash laughed. He couldn't help it. Ollie was so easy going and he had to deal with the teenager from hell. Poor man had no idea what to do. It was a bit ridiculous.

At that moment, the phone in Batman's hand vibrated as a text was received. Batman looked at it. "I knew it. He _is_ up to something."

The Flash looked at Batman curiously as the Dark Night slipped his phone back into his belt."What makes you say that?"

"Robin is supposed to be at a friend's house and he is not there."

The Flash laughed. "Robin's not where he is supposed to be and so your mind goes straight to a diabolical teenage conspiracy? What's _wrong_ with you."

"You know how _they_ get," said Batman. "And if you think I am crazy, tell me this: where is Kid?"

"He is . . ." Flash's eyebrows tilted downward as he tried to think of where his nephew was. "He is probably at home."

"Sure he is."

Flash ignored him, there was no way he was going to stoop down into the Bat's paranoia. He went back to eating his lunch and the two sat there in silence as they ate their respective meals. However, he could not ignore the nagging feeling the Batman was right. Who was he kidding? Batman was always right. He sighed loudly and threw his fork onto his tray.

Batman looked up.

Flash grabbed his cell phone out of a hidden compartment on his suit. "Just because I'm calling Wally's mom does not mean I think your right." Flash tried to ignore Bruce's chuckles as he waited for Mary West to pick up. After the third ring she did.

"Barry, how are you doing?"

"Great," said the Flash. He wanted to make the conversation quick. Mary had a tendency to draw out conversations. "I just wanted to know where Wally was. "

"He said he was with you today . . . is he not with you?"

"Why yes he is!" the Flash quickly responded not wanting to alarm the woman.

"Why would you call me if he was with you?"

"Um . . . it was a test. A special hero test and you passed!"

Batman shook his head slowly at the other man's antics.

"I did?" Mary sounded pleased.

"Yes!"

"Oh _good_," said Mary relieved. "You know, sometimes I worry—"

"That's great Mary, I gotta go. See you at dinner tomorrow." The Flash hung up and looked at Batman. "Yeah, they are up to something."

Batman smirked. "Oh my, your nephew is missing and your mind goes straight to a diabolical teenage conspiracy? What is wrong with you?"

"I have to admit it _is_ suspicious." The Flash shrugged. "The other alternative is that they have been kidnapped and are mostly likely being tortured."

Batman frowned.

"So I'm going to go with diabolical teenage conspiracy."

Batman stood up. "To be sure, I will go to the Monitor room and check their locations."

Flash raised an eyebrow. "But they are probably not in their uniforms."

"That does not matter." Batman began to walk away.

Flash stood up, confused. "Wait . . ." he paused, all ready knowing he was going to regret what he was about to ask. "Did you bug my nephew? Like, his civvies?"

"Yes," said Batman not bothering to stop. "There is a bug in the rubber of his shoe."

The Flash's eyes widened. Batman was tracking his nephew? In less than a second, he was besides the other hero. "How long have you been doing that? Since the team started?" Flash watched Batman's face and saw no reaction. Horrified, Flash's mouth dropped. "Oh my god, how long have you been doing that!"

"Since the Nepal incident."

Flash groaned. The Nepal incident had happened two years prior when Wally had spent the night over the Manor. The two boys had been left to their own devices. In the morning when he had gone to collect Wally, he and Dick had disappeared. They had checked everywhere for the boys to no avail. Finally, after several hours, Bruce had received a collect call from Nepal. It had been Dick informing him that they were lost, but it was _totally_ cool because they had met some really _awesome _monks.

Bruce had not been pleased.

Apparently the two kids had wanted Chinese food for breakfast and Wally had decided to _actually_ go to China. Wally had then made a wrong turn somewhere and was too tired to make it back, let alone carry Dick back.

Yes. Bruce had really not been pleased. And the man had never let Barry forget it.

The Flash frowned, thinking about what Batman's bugging of his nephew really meant. Wally's civilian shoes, just as like his, were reinforced with special rubber just in case he needed so speed off somewhere. The special rubber could only last so long and because Wally was still growing, the kid went through a lot of shoes. "So what have you been doing? Sneaking into my nephew's room at night every time he got a new pair of shoes and putting tracking devices in them!"

Aquaman who had just stepped out of the Library (he had needed to get some important documents for a United Nations meeting being held later) paused as he heard the Flash's words. He looked down the hall at the two heroes momentarily, before walking away in the opposite direction. He was not going to even bother getting into that conversation, he had decided years ago that land-dwellers were crazy.

Batman ignored the Flash and simply kept walking towards the Monitor room, his cape swaying with each step.

The Flash threw his hands up in the air. "That's creepy even for you!" He watched Batman walk further away from him before following. "I'm almost afraid to ask what you did to track Robin."

It was common knowledge that Batman was a bit paranoid about Robin. And because Wally and Dick were best friends, Barry knew very well about the fights the two had about Bruce's bugging problem.

"He kept finding them. I had to get creative."

The two entered the monitor room.

"Lucius made a special fiber, about an inch long. When activated it pings off the nearest Wayne building." Batman sat in a chair near the computer console. "It won't tell me his exact location, but I will know if he is within 1 mile radius of a Wayne building. I had it sewn into all his clothes."

Flash made a face. "That's . . . disturbing. Useful, but disturbing."

He watched as Batman pulled up a holographic screen which showed the earth and began hitting the computer keys. After a couple of seconds the screen zoomed into California, getting closer and closer until two cross streets appeared.

"Wally's at Roy's apartment," said Batman. He began hitting some more keys. Another holographic screen popped up showing the world again. "This will take longer."

They waited.

The Flash thought about the special fiber. Something like that would be really useful mass marketed. But he the idea sounded familiar and he did not know why. Then it hit him. "That fiber can send out a radio wave, right?"

"Yes, it does not act until acted upon. When it passes near a Wayne location the computer reads the data."

"So, it's sorta like a RFID?"

"Yes."

The Flash rubbed his temple in disbelief. "You tagged your kid?"

"I would not say that."

"You tagged your kid . . . like an animal."

Batman swiveled around to look at the Speedster. "When you say it like that—"

"My dog and Richard now have something in common."

Batman's eyes narrowed at the use of Robin's ID. "You are making this sound way worst than it really it."

"_Man_, I could not _possibly_ make it sound worst than it actually is. You TAGGED your kid, like an animal. You have a problem Bruce. We need to do an intervention."

Batman turned back to the computer. "I like to know where he is. God forbid he ends up in some random place . . ."

_Like Nepal_ thought the Flash.

". . . like Nepal."

Flash threw his hands in the air. "You need to let that go!"

There was a ping noise as the globe transformed into the map of the United States and then into just the shape of California. A star showed up near the coast and an address appeared. Batman read the address. "That is the Star City Wayne Steel shipping depot."

"What do you think they are up to?"

Batman leaned back into the chair, his hands forming a steeple by his lips. "I do not know."

Flash watched the weird expression on Batman's face. "If I didn't know better, I would almost say you want Roy to try something."

"Don't be ridiculous."

Flash looked at the clock in the room. "I have to go see the Prime Minister of Israel. He looked at Batman and shook his head. "You have fun stalking teenage boys."

Batman turned around and glared at him.

"That's what you're doing!" Flash pointed an accusing finger at Batman as he walked towards the zeta beams. "You are seriously a control freak." He stood before the zeta beam console and typed in the coordinates of Tel Aviv. "And you are going to stop bugging Wally's shoes. If anyone's going to be creeping into his bedroom at night when he's sleeping, it's going to be ME." The Flash's eyes widened. "Wait, that came out wr—"

"**Recognized. Flash 04"**

Batman shook his head. He did not understand why everyone got all defensive about his bugging. He had never regretted it. Richard would understand when he was older, they would probably laugh about it one day.

He turned back to console and closed the screen. When would Roy strike? Today, tomorrow, sometime next week?

"Bring it Harper."

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Thanks for reading. Please review.


	4. Conclusion

Sorry for the huge delay guys! Also, in case anyone is wondering, this story takes place before Roy is revealed to be a clone.

* * *

"Who is this?" a gruff voice spoke.

"Who's this?" Roy said into the phone, although he knew exactly who he was speaking to.

"Batman."

"Just the man I was hoping to get. Only your detective skills could solve this."

"Roy, this better not be you."

Both Wally and Dick looked at Roy wide eyed. Two seconds into the prank and Batman had already guessed it was Roy? There was no way they would pull this off. Roy, however, was prepared. "Who the hell is Roy! This is Farraday."

"Well, Faraday, I find your story to be farfetched."

"Farfetched? _Farfetched!_ You think this is a joke Batman? Is this any more farfetched than giant plants springing forth from the earth and destroying property and killing people? Is this anymore farfetched than fighting a criminal made entirely out of mud? Does that _even _make sense? A person made out of mud! You couldn't make that up!"

Robin stifled a giggle. The existence of Clayface was sort of hard to believe.

"Batman, do you want to wake up with your penis missing?"

There was a long pause on the other end of the phone.

Wally smiled broadly as he pictured Batman, high above in the watchtower, looking at his junk and wondering what would it be like to wake up without a penis.

"What exactly are we dealing with?"

Roy sighed heavily. "Waller. As of now it is just a threat. I am the only one I know that has contracted it."

"Amanda Waller?"

"She made a virus. She called it her-" Roy's eyes caught sight of Wally who was nodding encouragingly and mouthing _absens mentula_. Roy rolled his eyes. "- _absens mentula_. She noted that most of the villains and superheroes were males. She figured, if she could not find a way to control or stop those she deemed to be vigilantes and if she could not get the legal jurisdiction to fight meta humans, she would find another way. We thought she was joking. Once I found out about her illegal labs, I managed to steal a specimen and files. I think someone infected me with it. I woke up this morning and . . . well," said Roy his words drifting off ominously. "My penis was missing."

"Send me the files." Batman said. He then proceed to explain how to do so which was a good indication to the three boys that their prank was on track. The Watchtower had a secure way to send files and access to do so changed every day.

Roy gave a thumbs up sign to Dick and Dick sent the files.

There was a long pause wherein the boys assumed Batman was looking over the files. After awhile, they heard a female voice in the background that they recognized to be Wonder Woman. Roy had not realized the call was on speaker phone.

Batman came back on the phone. "So, it falls off?"

"No . . . it is just missing."

In the background, the faint laughter of Wonder Woman could be heard.

"It shrivels up until the point that it _appears_ to be missing?" asked Batman. It was clear to Roy that the hero was trying to wrap his brilliant mind around the concept.

"No, it's just missing."

There was more faint laughter from Wonder Woman in the background.

"Hold on," said Batman.

The boys exchanged glances.

"What do you think is going on up there?" asked Wally.

YJYJYJYJ

Batman placed the call on hold and leaned back in his chair to glare at Wonder Woman. "Diana, you are being unprofessional."

Wonder Woman, who was leaning on the railing of the steps leading to the zeta tube, stopped mid laugh and wiped away a tear. "How would you react if you just got back from mitigating some serious peace talks between two war-torn countries and then the first thing you hear when you get out of the zeta tube is: my penis is missing?" She rolled her shoulders, relieving the left over tension brought on by the talks. "I _really_ needed that laugh."

Batman looked back up at the holograph screen that had the schematics of the virus. "It does not appear to be a joke."

"Just because it is not a joke does not mean it is not funny." Wonder woman walked towards Batman and sat down in a nearby chair. "You just don't see the humor in it because you are a man."

"I don't see the humor in it because it could be a serious threat."

Wonder woman laughed and waved a hand in a mocking version "_Oh no_," said Diana her voice low and masculine, "all our penises are missing!" The Amazon shook her head with a smirk. "Aliens invading is a serious threat; having a group of supervillans running amok is a serious threat; this . . . this is just an inconvenience."

"An inconvenience?"

"Waller intends the virus for criminals, vigilantes, and metahuman's. This is a non lethal virus. Even if the virus is exposed to the general public . . . worst case scenario is that women will have to get impregnated via artificial insemination. There is enough sperm in clinics to handle that for a long time. "

Batman's eyes narrowed. "I am begining to wonder if the virus did not originate from Paradise Island."

Wonder Woman laughed again. "Oh we did try something similar hundreds of years ago."

Batman looked at Wonder Woman in alarm.

"It did not work out," she said with a smirk. "Just for argument's sake, would you give up heroing if your penis went missing?"

Batman blinked. "Well . . . it would be—"

"Inconvenient?"

"_No. _I do not think you understand the meaning of that word." Batman said and frowned. "Obviously there would be . . . huge medical concerns." Batman cleared his throat. "For example, the low testosterone levels would obviously affect my muscle mass. It would cause a decrease in bone density, which could lead to osteoporosis making it harder to recover from fights."

Wonder Woman rolled her eyes. "If you could solve all crime at the expense of your penis, would you let this—"she pointed to the screen—"happen?"

Batman was saved from answering when a robotic voice interrupted: '**Recognized. Green Arrow, 08**.'

Wonder Woman spun her chair to look at Green Arrow. "If you could solve all crime at the expense of your penis, would you be willing to sacrifice it?"

Green Arrows rose high. "Is that some weird Amazonian come-on?"

Batman explained the situation as Green Arrow walked over to the row of holograph screens. "There's a part of me that thinks this is Roy pulling some sort of prank. He, Wally, and Robin are at his apartment."

"_Really_ Batman?" said Green Arrow his voice tinged with irritation at the accusation of his ex-ward and ex-partner. "Roy's a good kid. Why do you have to give him such a hard time?"

"Do you seriously want me to answer that?" Batman deadpanned.

"_Oh_ and Robin's so perfect?"

The two men glared at each other and Diana stepped in-between them. "All right mother hens, stop clucking about your chicks." She looked at Batman. "I also do not believe Roy would pull a prank like this." She looked at the screen. "This is too detailed."

Batman went to put the phone off hold, but Wonder Woman stopped him with her hand. "Wait." She looked at the two men. "Honestly, tell me what exactly do you find wrong with this scenerio: Waller is planning on attacking the criminal and hero communities _or_ that there is a chance that you may wake up with your penis missing? Which one is more important?"

"It does not matter the method, trying to do harm to another being is morally wrong," said Batman solemnly.

Green Arrow nodded vigorously.

Wonder Woman's eyes narrowed. "You two are _sooo _full of it. Why can't you just admit that the thought of you waking up with your penis missing makes you uncomfortable?"

Batman's eyes narrowed. "Because that is not the issue here."

"Oh really?" Wonder Woman scoffed.

"I find that comment to be reverse sexism Diana," said Green Arrow.

"**Recognized, Superman 01.**"

"**Recognized, Green Lanterns 05 and 14.**"

Superman waved at his fellow heroes a boyish grin on his face."You all will be glad to know we prevented war in—"

"That's nice," interrupted Wonder Woman, who was now determined as ever to get her male peers to admit their willingness to compromise their own codes if it mean saving their genitalia. After all, men would be men. "Listen. If you could solve all crime at the expense of your penis . . . would you be willing to give it up?"

Both Green Lanterns looked at her confused while Superman's smile flattered. "What?" they asked in unison.

"There's a non lethal virus that could possible threaten the genitalia of all males on this planet," said Diana.

Both Lantern's eyes widened and then:

"**Recognized, Green Lanterns 05 and 14.**"

Well," said Wonder Woman looking at the empty spot the Green Lanterns were a moment ago. "I think _that_ is a clear response on the Lantern Corps stance on the whole issue."

Superman was still confused. He glanced at the holograph screens and tried to make sense of it. Batman and Green Arrow simply exchanged glances.

Wonder Woman grabbed the phone and released the hold button.

YJYJYJYJ

Roy heard a click and then:

"Hello, this is Wonder Woman."

"Wonder Woman?" said Roy surprised. "Where is Batman?"

"He was needed elsewhere. Listen, are you in pain?"

"No."

"Are you still able to urinate?"

Roy blinked. For some reason they had not even considered they would be asked that question. He looked at Wally. After all, the speedster was the resident scientist.

Wally thought quickly. Roy-Agent Faraday- had already indicated earlier that he was fine. However, not being able to urinate would be an immediate danger to one's body so Wonder Woman would wonder why Agent Faraday had not called the hospital immediately to help himself. And how exactly could one urinate without genitalia? Wally didn't know what to say. Wally shrugged and then shook his head.

Roy had no idea what the hell Wally's gesture was supposed to mean. "Um . . . yes?"

"So you are not in pain, not in any immediate danger, and you are able to urinate?"

"_Umm_ . . . yes."

"I'm going to transfer you to the director of the CDC. You can give him the information you gave us."

"What? Wait!" yelled Roy before Wonder Woman could transfer the call. "The whole reason why I called was to give you guys a head up."

"We appreciate the warning, but the League has other concerns to worry about," said Wonder Woman and before Roy could respond he heard the call being transferred.

Roy hung up the phone.

The boys sat in silence for several minutes.

"So let me get this straight," said Dick slowly. "The Leagues official stance to penises missing is: we have other concerns to worry about?"

"That's unsettling," said Wally glancing at his lap and now worried exactly what would happened if this situation ever did happen.

"I feel like maybe Wonder Woman hijacked the phone," said Roy in disbelief. "I do not think that answer is representative of the whole League."

Wally frowned thinking for a moment and then his eyes lit up. "_Or_ maybe the League is really just _that_ hardcore. That _maybe_ they think Waller has a point and are willing to sacrifice their goods for peace. It's been suggested that lower testosterone levels could reduce crime."

"I thought that was just for pedophiles," said Roy.

"I don't know guys," said Dick shaking his head. "I know everyone thinks Batman's, well, the _goddamn Batman_, but I sort of feel like Bruce would miss his . . . you know."

"Ditto for Uncle Barry. I am surprised that I don't have a little cousin yet."

"I don't even want to think about Ollie's sex life," said Roy with a shudder. "_Soooo,_ does that mean we successfully pranked Batman?"

"I _guess_," said Dick. "It doesn't feel as good as I thought it would be."

"That's because we just found out the League does not care about the well being of our manhood," said Roy.

Awkward silence filled the air once more, until Dick said: "Do you guys want to play a video game?"

YJYJYJYJ

Three hours later the team had been called in for a new mission. They were suited up listening to Batman explain the schematics of the mission. It had something to do with some weapon smuggling activity that might be connected to Lex Luthor, but Wally was not listening.

How could the hero just stand there and act like he had not heard about a threat to his junk only a few short hours ago? It was driving Wally insane! And why would he not mention it to the team? Wally knew it was not a real virus, but what if it had been? The league really was not going to inform them of the threat? It made Wally wonder if there was anything else Batman might be keeping from the team.

"You will break off into teams of three," Said Batman. "Aqualad, Arte-"

"What's the _deal!_" yelled Wally, bouncing on his heels. Everyone's head turned to the speedster. Wally looked at Batman wide eyed. "How can you not care if your penis is missing?"

The team's heads, save for Robin, snapped to Batman in various displays of shock.

"Your penis is missing!" Artemis blurted out.

* * *

Thanks for reading! I enjoyed writing this and I hoped you all enjoyed reading it.


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